Good Riddance

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right."
-Good Riddance by Green Day
Almost a whole year has gone by. What queer creatures we are that we allow ourselves to be defined by something as trivial as time. Time. What is time? I mean, sure, it is relevant. I argue that it is a window or point of reference. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years are part of a terminolgy that relate to the measure of time. But what is this elusive thing: time?? Have you ever thought about it? Here we celebrate something and we don't even know why. I have always wondered if time is fluid and continous or if it comes in dimensions. Maybe this is why I like to entertain the idea of time-travel. Its highly unlikely if not impossible that time travel will ever be happen but who knows? Not me.

Today got me thinking about this concept as I hung out with old acquaintences and ran into people that I used to know. Today, well more like yesterday as it is almost 1 in the morning, my sister and I planned on going out briefly and just hang out. She didn't tell me that Liz was joining us. I knew Liz from a few years back. Not so much now. We met in Starbucks and I ran into a friend of a friend. Now this friend of a friend and I actually went to Kindergarten together in Northern California and we ended up meeting again 350 miles from the original place. Anyway back to the subject at hand. We saw each other but I could not remember her name for the life of me. Time plays tricks on one's memories. I am too young to be forgetting details like that. Her last name is Zamora, I know that much. Weird the details that I DO remember. Well after a hasty conversation in which she took my order and I left I regret not asking her name. I felt almost guilty for running into her while she was working and not seeing her since high school graduation. I was wearing my UCLA sweatshirt and when she asked me how school was going she just stared at it. I am done feeling bad but it feels good to be envied if even a little bit. After that, Sis, Liz and I went to mall to shop around and buy a few things. One of those things was a birthday card for Adam, sister's best friend. Liz was due somewhere and had to leave early. There's that thing about time again. Its kind of a running theme. I just feel as though time is not only passing me by but as if I am more than willing to let time pass me by. I pursue some pretty worthless shit sometimes. And other times I spend my precious time worrying about worthless shit. The average human lifespan is 75 years. 75 years!! Considering that women live longer I am guessing that I will live to be around 80...meaning that I have already used up 23.75% of my time here on Earth. Fuck. I have some prioritizing to do. BRB.

Kept Right Here, Waiting

It feels as if I have nothing to live for. I look to the future and see nothingness, an emptiness that does not seem to be filled with even the most imaginary dreams. Imaginary dreams, hmm. I have plenty of those. Few of which will come true. I just can’t find a reason to keep fighting. I can’t. I try to lie to myself, but what good is self-delusion when you can see right through it? I am not suicidal per se, I just can’t seem to find anything worth living for. I mean sure, pleasures and achievements are good but to what extent to you want more? To this extent. In Philosophy 22: Ethics, we argued that our function as humans is to find out what the highest human achievable good is and to achieve it. Reason leads to the highest human achievable good. The highest human achievable good is eudemonia. Eudemonia is finding the life activities that make life livable. These life activities are therefore found to be virtuous. So being virtuous is all it takes to lead a good life. That’s all it is. That’s it. Why isn’t that enough? Does it matter? It doesn’t. That’s what scares me. I worry too much about the little shit. But our whole lives, our whole fucking species and planet are a fucking piece of dust in comparison to the Universe. Why bother? Why? No matter what we do, it won’t matter. None of it will. So we might as well enjoy ourselves right? I could give a shit about other people. Except that I do. I really truly do. Maybe I care too much. I kind of wish that I didn’t.

My life isn’t the best around, but it’s also not the worst. Compared to other people, it’s a fucking breeze. Maybe that’s it: I take it all for granted. I do. I admit it. I am not thankful. Not anymore. I have grown cynical and arrogant. I don’t much like who I have become but it is better than living in a haze. Sometimes I wish that I still believed and that I didn’t have to question everything. I can’t go back to that. Religion is the epitome of self-delusion and mass-hysteria. It is false hope. I am too reasonable for that. Hume would disagree. But Hume failed to be a true atheist for atheists support reason; Hume supported sensations and feelings. But maybe he was right. Maybe society has a bigger influence on our lives than I care to give it credit for. I need to live in the moment, for what I have now. I want to do it right the first and only chance that I have at this thing we call life.