Kept Right Here, Waiting

It feels as if I have nothing to live for. I look to the future and see nothingness, an emptiness that does not seem to be filled with even the most imaginary dreams. Imaginary dreams, hmm. I have plenty of those. Few of which will come true. I just can’t find a reason to keep fighting. I can’t. I try to lie to myself, but what good is self-delusion when you can see right through it? I am not suicidal per se, I just can’t seem to find anything worth living for. I mean sure, pleasures and achievements are good but to what extent to you want more? To this extent. In Philosophy 22: Ethics, we argued that our function as humans is to find out what the highest human achievable good is and to achieve it. Reason leads to the highest human achievable good. The highest human achievable good is eudemonia. Eudemonia is finding the life activities that make life livable. These life activities are therefore found to be virtuous. So being virtuous is all it takes to lead a good life. That’s all it is. That’s it. Why isn’t that enough? Does it matter? It doesn’t. That’s what scares me. I worry too much about the little shit. But our whole lives, our whole fucking species and planet are a fucking piece of dust in comparison to the Universe. Why bother? Why? No matter what we do, it won’t matter. None of it will. So we might as well enjoy ourselves right? I could give a shit about other people. Except that I do. I really truly do. Maybe I care too much. I kind of wish that I didn’t.

My life isn’t the best around, but it’s also not the worst. Compared to other people, it’s a fucking breeze. Maybe that’s it: I take it all for granted. I do. I admit it. I am not thankful. Not anymore. I have grown cynical and arrogant. I don’t much like who I have become but it is better than living in a haze. Sometimes I wish that I still believed and that I didn’t have to question everything. I can’t go back to that. Religion is the epitome of self-delusion and mass-hysteria. It is false hope. I am too reasonable for that. Hume would disagree. But Hume failed to be a true atheist for atheists support reason; Hume supported sensations and feelings. But maybe he was right. Maybe society has a bigger influence on our lives than I care to give it credit for. I need to live in the moment, for what I have now. I want to do it right the first and only chance that I have at this thing we call life.